


Five things she does not pray for

by raven_lore



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 21:21:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_lore/pseuds/raven_lore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seemed oddly appropriate, considering how her life had lately been defined by all the things that she did <b>not</b> do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five things she does not pray for

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: The Hive
> 
> Thanks to: the_green_sheep, _bettina_ and jenlev for beta and support.

Elizabeth stood alone on the balcony, her back to the Gateroom, watching the ocean as the sun sunk slowly into it. A wry smile curved her lips, as she realized that she was, in truth, **not** watching it. Her eyes might have been fixed on the horizon, but her whole attention had been drawn inside. It seemed oddly appropriate, considering how her life had lately been defined by all the things that she did **not** do. 

She did not watch the landscape. She did not go to see Kate, not for a friendly chat, nor to consult her professionally. She did not visit Teyla either. Or Ronon. Or anybody else who had been hurt lately, and who was now recovering in the infirmary. She did not call Carson to ask about his patients, waiting instead for his scheduled updates. She had not beaten the Wraith. Not really. She did not go off-world. She did not agree with Caldwell, and, even when she did with words, she never did in her mind. Something about him irked her, so she disagreed, on principle. She did not think about Earth, or, at least, she tried not to, because that way lay doubts and uncomfortable questions about going back, not going back, not being able of going back, or, even more terrifying, being forced to go back and never be able to return to Atlantis. No, she tried really hard not to think about Earth. 

And, of course, she did not pray, because she never had, and because what would be the point anyway? Could a prayer really change something? Save a life? And, if it could, would it mean that someone out there had not prayed hard enough for Markham or Peter's life? She could not believe that, therefore she did not pray.

She kept a list, though: the five most important things she did not pray for. 

At the moment _Simon changing his mind and coming to Atlantis on the Daedalus_ occupied the fifth place. A few months before it had been higher up on the list, but time had worked its magic and, even though it saddened her, Elizabeth knew that soon it would drop off the list altogether.

Fourth came _guidance_. Elizabeth was in charge. Everything, everyone depended on her, her confidence, her ability to take the right decision. Any doubt or hesitation might cost too much. It had already happened in the past. She had to trust herself, hope it would be enough, and then accept the weight of the times when it would not be. So, no guidance, with or without praying for it. 

She did not pray for _the Wraith to disappear_, as well. She suspected that praying for the annihilation of a whole race would be wrong on many levels anyway. Still, she kept it on the list, because it could not hurt, could it? 

Second was _safety_: safety for every single person in Atlantis and on the Daedalus. For all her people. Of course it would be a fool's prayer anyway, totally pointless, because they were not out there to be safe and she knew it.

But, above everything else, she did not pray for _John and Rodney to always come back to her and their city._ The idea itself of one or both of them lost was unconceivable. It could not happen. It would **not** happen. After all Rodney had returned, drugged and lost to himself, he had made it back, and John had walked out of the gate as if nothing had happened, as if they had not been missing for days. No, no need to pray.

Around her darkness had fallen, the sunset just a memory, so easy to forget if she wanted to, even knowing that another one would come, that the sun would rise and then have to set once more. The same way another mission would come. But, in the meantime, she could choose to **not** think about it. 

Elizabeth took a deep breath, and let the air go, slowly. It was time to go back, to return to her people. The door opened for her and she stepped inside, hiding, carefully not showing how tired she was. 

\- the end -


End file.
